How to say No without saying No.
We all know that being able to say no is an important skill for leaders, or for anybody for that matter.
I don’t believe there’s a single, effective, leader who hasn’t mastered the art. It’s an essential leadership skill that is worth learning and a tool we should have in our toolbox, or at the very least, work on getting better at.
Being able to say no with kindness and grace is a real bonus for us all to use in personal as well as in professional life.
It’s of course often flattering to be asked to take something on, to feel wanted and needed, but it can also be tricky to frame a response when you really want to decline because the perception, or at least the feeling of how we are going to be perceived, if we say no, may look like we are being unhelpful, uncooperative and disengaged.
People don’t want to hear no because as soon as you say no, it puts up a wall between you and the person asking you. It can also depend on if the person asking you, is your boss versus a colleague, versus a customer, versus a peer.
In saying no, we don’t ever want to appear curt, blunt or disrespectful as it can often be the case that you end up creating resentment, potentially damaging relationships which we all want to avoid.
It’s natural to want to please.
We all make decisions for the best of all possible reasons in the moment. I’m a nice person who has often said yes to things that I wish I hadn’t. Too often, what happens is we say yes to things and then we under deliver or under perform because it wasn’t realistic to say yes winding up with egg on our face or worse, turning ourselves into a frazzle burning out.
Sometimes we just end up doing things as it’s dropped into our area of responsibility because it’s a tangible skill you are providing and are good at. Once you’ve said yes though, the reality of the delivery, or a change in the scenario and specifics around the circumstances of what you have taken on can alter. In saying yes, you then think… what the heck have I got myself into?
What to say no to, so my yes’s have more meaning?
Going back to how leaders tackle this, the great ones reserve saying yes only to the things they are passionate about, the things that are aligned with their organisations strategy and to the things that are uniquely suited to them to be doing in the world.
Being comfortable and confident saying no when the time is right is about being more realistic about establishing parameters and managing expectations. I’m a big believer of saying yes to almost everything I’m asked, that said, by limiting the number of times I say no, doesn’t mean I don’t manage expectations. And keeping in mind that …
…the art to saying no, is saying yes more slowly.
Start by focusing on what you do want to say rather than what you don’t want to say.
Is what’s being asked realistic in what you can do in the time frame? or what would the result will be like if you are given more time?
Look to how you could find a different yes in the context of what’s being asked of you.
Provide an alternative and set up the parameters for people, managing the expectations of what’s being asked of you.
You have the right to make a decision or offer alternatives. Get out of the habit of explaining the reasons you are declining.There are better ways of handling situations rather than explaining yourself.
It’s not what you say but how you say it.
More words soften, fewer words strengthen.Framing the response with softer language, whoever you are saying no to, will work to achieve the goal by asking what you need to do to meet their need. Its helpful to look to move the request into solving the problem together and not just dropping it as a problem into someone else’s lap. For example:
Make suggestions, asking “who else could do it because you aren’t available to do it to the standards you know they will need in the time you have available, as much as you’d love to.”
“I’m flattered but at the same time I’m unable to accept your offer. Let’s talk about how I can help you get your needs met.”
Bide some time – “I’m flattered you ask. I don’t have the answers right now, but let me get back to you.”
In summary
Remember, how you do great work boils down to this one powerful question…. “what am I going to say no to, so that what I say yes to, means something?” saying no avoids feeling overwhelmed, stressed out and frustrated. It’s pivotal to achieve a goal, to staying focused on the task at hand and executing great strategy. It will help you live a better life as well as ensuring you have more impact in your role and career where your talents and expertise are allowed you to shine in the areas where you truly add real value.
There’s a technique to become an expert, as a leader, manger, employee or in any personal relationship, it’s in your interest to do what the great leaders do.
Need help to master this essential life skill? contact me michelle@groupcm.co.uk
